킥복싱

내사랑킥복싱
2학기킥복싱아니었음못버텼어
생명의은인이란게이런건가
아ㅏㅏㅏㅏㅏ울고싶어
고마워.

특이한사람들

그래특이한사람들은다아픈사람들이야ㅇㅇㅇ

치료를요하지만어디가왜아픈지모르는매우불쌍한

병신들이지.

죽고싶지는않지만잊고싶어

수술은싫지만고통만좀덜했으면..

통증때문에잠들고통증때문에깨도되지만

그사이에는머리에스치는바람이느껴졌으면!

병신들만병신들알아볼수있는건알지?

생각보다많아

분노로똘똘뭉친사람들이생각보다많단말이지

친구랑웃으며헤어지고눈을지긋이감는사람들

일정따라굴러가다가책상엎고폭발하는사람들

아침에눈뜨자마자지루하고답답하고분노하는

그런사람들.

너무비슷한생각들을해서깜짝놀랐어

반가웠어덜쓸쓸했어감동적이었어그리고보기

좋았어.

100번째포스트야

우왕

don't want this to change

i don't want to mature, settle

down

i'd like to keep this fight

this blog

is very important.

i'd like to keep writing the same

thoughts and

words and

see the same tears

for years and years.

year after year.

like a well to draw water from when things get too fiery inside

i will keep writing

reading

crying

as i look through these pages.

it comforts me

to know i have walked through these fires before and came out

scorched

yet not with hurt

but with anger burning in my eyes.

because the break had not come

this was not fear, it

was

wrath.

운동

난 운동이 정말 좋다. 줄넘기를 몇천번씩 돌리는 시간도, 다리와 허리를 하나하나 풀어주는 준비운동도, 오직 샌드백만 때릴 때도.

모르는 사람들은 물어본다. 스파링 잡아줘? 안 지루해? 나는 운동이 한번도 지루하다고 생각해 본 적이 없다. 줄넘기를 한번 넘길 때마다 새로운 생각, 새로운 마음으로 넘긴다. 샌드백을 한번 칠 때 마다 새로운 각오로 자세를 잡는다.

지루하기는 커녕 정말 평화롭다. 내 하루 중 가장 집중하는 시간은 체육관에서 운동 할 때다. 집중할 때, 오직 한 가지만을 바라보고 그것만을 향해 나아갈때 마음이 편안해진다. peace of mind, like John Wooden says. 마음이 평화로운 건 나태함이 아니다. 내가 말하는 평화로움은 주어진 환경에서 최선을 다하고 있기 때문에 느껴지는 만족감이다.

나는 마음이 급한 사람을 좋아한다. 나부터 항상 불안해하려고 노력한다. 포용보다는 거부, 슬픔보다는 분노를 느끼길 바란다. 그리고 이러한 휘발성이 젊음의 성질이 아니라 내 본성에 깊이 박혀있는 부분이길 바란다. 분노의 포도를 기억하고 말콤X를 기억하라.

그러나 분명히 말해둘 것은 나는 위에서 작은 일에 분노가 아닌 가장 기본적이고 가장 넓은 것들에 대한 분노를 얘기한다는 점이다. 또 분명히 말해둘 것은 이러한 분노를 좋게 보는 이유는 단순히 평화로움으로 가기 위한 발판이 되기 때문이라는 점이다. 분노 없이 평화로움에 이르지 못한다. 변화 없이 발전은 없다.

got it all figured out

계절학기안들어야지

통학하기힘들잖아

가족여행도안가야지

갈상태가아니잖아

통계학과신청해야지

경제는절대싫잖아

다압다압훼ㅔㅔㅔ

가슴에구멍을뚫고싶다빨간피와파란피가태극기를휘달리며철철철철철흐르겠지

내말을안듣잖아

그래서넌뭐하고싶은데

통계학과가서CIO그니까 Chief Information Officer

이돼서정보에서새로운정보를뽑아낼거야

넌주어진자원을너무활용안하잖아

무슨자원

뭘활용안하는데

대원외고동창들선배들

동창회없어

왜없어

연락안와

그럼동창들통해서알면되잖아!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

$&%^^%@^#^#%$&

왜내말을안듣는데

마음에안들면안들리는척

언제까지하려고

어디까지가보려고

ㅇ?

내가미칠때까지?

좋아좋아거의다왔어

쫌만더기다려지금처럼쫌만더

경제학과가아닌통계한다니까그다음말은뭐,

주어진자원따위에대한얘기야?

내가꿈에대해서말했는데

나중에하고싶은일을고백했는데

내가그렇게생각하는이유는

주어진자원을활용하지안해서라고?

교수님이나대원선배붙잡고얘기해보지않아서

아직답답하게통계나바라보고있다고?

절대안해

절대

다신내말무시하지마

내생각이짧아서이상한얘기한다고

다신생각하지마

나에대해서아는거뭐하나없으면서

안다고착각하지마

착각하려면혼자조용히해

내가제일듣기싫은말이뭔지알아?

지랑닮았다는말이야

내가볼땐하나도안똑같아

똑같이생각하지않아서

세상을보는눈이달라서

소중히여기는가치가따로있어서

그래서답답해?

미친거아니야

거만함이도를넘었어

내말조차안들으려면

날좀내버려둬

미쳤다는건

거꾸로서서바로보는세상에서뒤죽박죽엉망진창된세상에서

미쳤다는건

나혼자제대로됐다는거야뭐야

it lifts one up

it does it does,

come on in where the music is lit

everything's good

the tears the hurt the anger

out taking a rain check

and me and me alone

here with a moment of peace

serenity.

so this is life, is it?

so this is where everybody's been

what i've been missing out on

where my insecurities have been searching for

ah

but you know

it's too late

just too late

tardy

and time isn't meant to be turned back

a big round of applause

난모범관원이니까

더 나은 스포츠 환경을 위해

감동적이야!!!이CF
마음에들어ㅇㅇㅇ

초등야구팀의수

1000 : 99

남자실업핸드볼팀의수

3001 : 5

국제규격아이스링크수

2007 : 17

등록축구클럽수

16697 : 100

다른나라들에비해이렇게열악한스포츠환경을개선하겠다는캠페인의내용인데

뭔가엄청감동적이야가슴이막혀와안그래?이렇게까지자릿수가차이나는지몰랐어

이렇게까지열악한환경속에서세계선수권야구대회에서우승하고핸드볼강국이고

김연아가모든대회를휩쓸고다니고월드컵4강진출을했대잖아쫌억지지만그랬잖아

킥복싱

저번에본여자애들처럼약하게하고싶지않아

악의를품고샌드백을때리는거야

그냥무자비하게패는거야

남들이볼때'우와쟤한테맞으면아프겠다'싶을정도로세게해야지

여자니까더열심히해야지

여잔데남자애들보다더잘하면정말멋있겠다그치?

난성격이드러운것같아

ㅇㅇㅇ요새자주느끼는바야

원래는별로안그랬는데요즘들어성격이온전히드러워진게분명해!

그렇다고예전으로돌아가고싶지않아보이는게달라졌거든

느껴지는게들리는게달라

모든게다른데나혼자평화로운표정을짓고있는건

위선거짓죄악배신이야그치?안그래??

그래서난착한사람들이싫어졌어싫어하려고이제부터

착하고친절하고배려하고절제하고감정을너무나도잘조절하는

그런야비한사람들을싫어햐려고

ㅇ날따라와

모두들날따라와

날때리지마

떼쓰지만마

71

71점이라니71점!100점중71점이고평균보다낮은점수야

어쩌다가이렇게됐지이해가안갔어기분이너무안좋아서그많은인파를파헤치며뛰쳐나가고싶었어술을벌컥벌컥마시고드럽게토하고싶었어종이를찢고다시시험보기직전의순간으로돌아가서문제를하나하나미친듯이풀고싶었어내옆의애한테아니,생각보다괜찮지않아라고말해주고싶었고목청이찢어지도록괴성을지르고싶었고라디오도크게해서듣고싶었어그치만나는책상에얌전히앉아서교수님이친절히얘기해주시는문제풀이를듣고있었어벽과사람들사이에쳐박혀있었고예절상식개념논리합리따위에내몸이묶여있어서마음속으로울면서가만히있었어아아아힘들었어아아아

오늘밤에는라디오를틀고음악을틀고클래식을틀고병맥주를병따개로따고의자에누워서내마음속을소리와술로채울거야그럼지금그속에있는눈물과못난것들은없어질거야눈물을머금고뭘볼수있겠어이제난집중해야되난꼭해야되는게있어성공그랭성공을꼭해야되오늘은너무잔인했잖아두번다시이런일이없을거야울어도교재에눈물을뚝뚝흘리며책을봐야지책을볼거야있잖아난가슴이콱막혀왔어오늘그딴점수를보고미친슬펐어왜왜왜!이번에한게제대로가아니라면어쩌라는거지ㅇ?오늘은진짜화보다슬픈게커서나도놀랐어얼른혼자만의곳이있어야하는데말이야

from bukowski

he says, he says

1.don't try
2.these words i write keep me from total madness

dunhill dream

don't remember the details but
i had dunhills in a sack
i was a wanderer, running
or somewhat
from place to place with
dunhills in a sack.

and it was all right
it was all right that i had no place to welcome me
as long as i had those dunhills in my sack
it was better that way
more than having places to call home and people to call family
it was better to have something right in that sack
as i dragged it along,
i knew it was all i needed.

i was better than all the other suckers in this world.

얼른

너무힘들었는데잘쳐서다행.

다시는벼락치기따위는하지않아야지

사람들이자꾸뒤에서보는것같아

짜증나ㅏㅏ

얼른혼자만의곳으로가야지

얼른네면의벽에둘러싸여야해

시간이얼마남지않았어!얼른

얼른해야해

왜항상사람들은기다리는거야기다리면안된다니까기다리면너무늦어버린다니까

늦으면소용없어.

뒤늦게약쳐발라도불쾌하기만해

ㅇ?알아??아냐고!

그럼약올리지마.

나한테얼마나시급한일인지안보여? 진심?

미룰걸미뤄야지모든게얼른이걸해치우는거에달렸어

너무뻔하잖아

나도괜찮아질수있는데.

writing is weird.

it's weird because although writing is a form of expression that allows me to let go,

and allows me to vent a lot of the ugly things inside me

(a part of the ugly dwells interminably, i have no doubt..),

it also creates an ugly -

writing makes and breaks.

so I'm walking through an alley,

I'm climbing the stairs,

I'm having a conversation,

and BOOM!

an unbelievable itch breaks out in my body

and the moment the itch hits, i know what it is : the rant of the day.

it's so unpredictable, so inevitable, and so ingenious

that I have to remember the itch and why it came.

i have to record the topic that came to me, or else, I'm doomed for all eternity.

honestly.

if i don't get it when it was given,

if i just let it go like an irresponsible idiot,

i'll know i let it slip.

and i'll remember with horror that i gave up on the chance to spill my heart out

on something worth spilling one's heart out.

i think that's a grammatical glitch just there.

and that's when I thought of David:

"That shit don't mean fuck to me"

- David Sedaris

looking for the best magazine articles

i've been at it like an addict.

i've been trying to hunt down the best magazine articles available on the internet

and i've been trying to do this by searching lists.

lists -

lists with names like "Top 25 magazine articles of the decade", "The best magazine articles ever",

and so on and so forth.

it was ugly.

it was aggravating, frustrating, annoyingly time-consuming.

and it all boiled down to this :

I DIDN'T GET WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR.

after god knows how many columns, essays, and specials

of god knows how many journals, weeklies, and monthlies,

in god knows how many 'best', 'top', and 'greatest' lists,

i was futile.

JEEEEEEEEEEEEZZZZUS

i was angry - very very angry.

i didn't like this.

but then i did.

i thought about the situation, and was relieved.

i was relieved,

because what I yearned for wasn't something compiled in a common list.

it wasn't something so easy to find

which means I'm looking for something extraordinary, something magnificent

which means I've got high standards,

which means I am not mediocre.

and when I find something satisfying, something that can quench this thirst,

I will hold it up in the air

and it will be a jem.

it will be a beautiful thing,

something so much more than a mere line on some cheap list.