Tuesday, September 28
it's weird because although writing is a form of expression that allows me to let go,
and allows me to vent a lot of the ugly things inside me
(a part of the ugly dwells interminably, i have no doubt..),
it also creates an ugly -
writing makes and breaks.
so I'm walking through an alley,
I'm climbing the stairs,
I'm having a conversation,
an unbelievable itch breaks out in my body
and the moment the itch hits, i know what it is : the rant of the day.
it's so unpredictable, so inevitable, and so ingenious
that I have to remember the itch and why it came.
i have to record the topic that came to me, or else, I'm doomed for all eternity.
if i don't get it when it was given,
if i just let it go like an irresponsible idiot,
i'll know i let it slip.
and i'll remember with horror that i gave up on the chance to spill my heart out
on something worth spilling one's heart out.
i think that's a grammatical glitch just there.
and that's when I thought of David:
"That shit don't mean fuck to me"
- David Sedaris
i've been at it like an addict.
i've been trying to hunt down the best magazine articles available on the internet
and i've been trying to do this by searching lists.
lists with names like "Top 25 magazine articles of the decade", "The best magazine articles ever",
and so on and so forth.
it was ugly.
it was aggravating, frustrating, annoyingly time-consuming.
and it all boiled down to this :
I DIDN'T GET WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR.
after god knows how many columns, essays, and specials
of god knows how many journals, weeklies, and monthlies,
in god knows how many 'best', 'top', and 'greatest' lists,
i was futile.
i was angry - very very angry.
i didn't like this.
but then i did.
i thought about the situation, and was relieved.
i was relieved,
because what I yearned for wasn't something compiled in a common list.
it wasn't something so easy to find
which means I'm looking for something extraordinary, something magnificent
which means I've got high standards,
which means I am not mediocre.
and when I find something satisfying, something that can quench this thirst,
I will hold it up in the air
and it will be a jem.
it will be a beautiful thing,
something so much more than a mere line on some cheap list.
Monday, September 27
i ate for breakfast
rice, milk, a cookie, and tea
i ate for lunch
rice with kimchi & tuna
i ate for dinner
2/3 of a bottle of yogurt
and somewhere in between the three meals,
i had 1/3 of a bagel
oh and some coffee.
i spent 4,000W for lunch; 3,500W for dinner; 2,000W for coffee; 600W for printing;
and 600W+daily commuting toll for transportation.
i need to cut back on a lot of things
Sunday, September 26
Friday, September 24
"I always get breakfast out."
가끔은건방지고 more often than not, shallow stuff.
and so I have a plan.
a plan for everyday - just magnificent, no?
I will get up at 5
do my hair, get into running clothes, step outside
I shall exercise for 50 minutes,
50 minutes of fast walking & jogging.
come in panting for breath, take a cold shower, drink a cup of water,
apply lotion to my body, dry my hair, change into presentable clothes
I shall take the bus for Seoul just before 7
arriving at a place to eat breakfast at no later than half past 7
내가 얼마전에(돈이모자르니까)3개월무이자할부로노트북을샀어. 그래도그나마마음이편할때가뭐라도쫌쓸때더라고.. 손으로쓰는건너무느려서아무도모르는나만의블로그에마구글을쓰고있어. 물론집컴퓨터로해도되겠지만난왜그렇게집이싫은지모르겠어! 어제니랑전화통화하면서학교가는중이라고했잖아? 아직안들어갔엌 암튼지금상태가안좋아서글이두서없는데너에게매우긴편지를쓰겠어!
음그럼무슨얘기로시작할까? 진부하게내성장과정어때? 싫다고고개를젓고있어도소용없어.
일단나는서울에서태어났대. 내가첫째라엄마아빠의사랑을독차지했었지. 아빠가사진찍는걸좋아해서앨범이몇개있는데장난아니야. 막별거안하고누워서말똥말똥있는데도마구사진을찍어댔나봐. 전혀다를게없는0.1초마다찍힌사진들이아주즐비해. 물론이런엄마아빠의노의영사랑은지극히주관적이었어. 못생긴애기라밖에데리고나가서자랑하면사람들이별말없었대. 반면에내연년생남동생은완전예뻤어ㅇㅇㅇ그래서모두의귀여움을받았지.
나는호기심이많았어. (당연히애니까그랬겠지누구는안그러냐고나는이런걸로자기애자랑하는거진짜미친싫어해)그래서동생이라는,누워만있는애기를신기해했어. 걔가누워있으면나는바짝달라붙어서뚫어져라관찰하다가찰싹!!동생을때렸대. 그럼걔가울더라. 또언제는거실이랑베란다사이의창문으로동생을밀쳤더니유리가깨졌대. 그래도울더라. 암튼나를나쁜놈으로생각하지마. 다기억이나지않는일들이거든ㅋ
초롱초롱해서뭔가해버릴것만같은눈빛알아? 내가그랬었어. 엄마아빠는수시에불안에떨며살았지. 하도힘이넘쳐나서잠깐뒤돌면어디로뛰쳐나가버리고나못나가게하려고신발을숨겨놓으면아빠구두신고달아나고주말만되면'가야!!!'(가자)를외치며산에가자고우겼어. 시골가서어른들이밭일돕고있으면나도막대기하나주워서'바쁘다바빠'를연발하며여기저기를휘젓고다녔어. 난어렸을때어른들이피곤해하는게이해가안갔어. 왜피곤하지? 그냥일어나서놀면되는데? 막힘이솟구쳐서어쩔줄몰랐어.
그러다가5살이되어서피아노학원을다녔어. 선생님이엄하고싸가지없어서매일같이학원에들어서자마자울었어. 또엄마는어렸을때조금배우다가그만둔게너무나도후회되서나만큼은피아노를확실히배우도록하고싶어했어. 그래서나는학원에선울고집에서는맞으면서피아노를잘도배웠지. 일곱살쯤에대회나가서높은상도받고그랬어. 나이도가장어리고키도작은내차례가돼서질질글리는치마입고졸졸졸나가니까관계자가의자높이를조정해줬어. 발이허공에달랑달랑매달린채로멋지게연주를해버렸지.
난생일이빨라서7살때초등학교에입학했어. 1학년1학기를마치고미국을갔어. 뭐유학그런건아니고아빠가박사학위를받으러,그니까아빠공부때문에온가족이간거야. 엄마아빠가설명을제대로안해준건지내가이해를그지같이한건지나는사실미국에살러가는줄몰랐어. 그냥또이사하나보다싶었는데도착해보니미국이더라. 우리가도착한날은추적추적비가내리는날이었어. 날씨가구렸어. 하늘도어둡고바람은거칠고자동차는너무비좁았어.
The above written and saved on
July 31, July 31,(not a typo) July 20
Saturday, September 18
sometimes I'm so focused, so absurdly concentrated,
(more often than not because of caffein overdose)
that I focus on my being focused,
which is a weird thing, you know?
and it's completely pointless because you're not going anywhere by
concentrating on the fact that you're concentrating.
강한자가 살아남는 게 아니라 살아남는자가 강한거래
강한 여자가 아름다운게 아니라 아름다운 여자가 강한거래
현란한색상의 미끼로 색이바랜것처럼하얀 알비노고래를
그래서돈도있고몇사이즈의,어느회사제품인지 다 알고갔는데!
Saturday, September 11
Tuesday, September 7
I will write again.
will I quit.
I sat through a lecture today - a lecture on death.
The professor urged the students to talk to speak up but nobody did.
I wanted to.
had quite a bit to say.
in fact my head was buzzing with tangled thoughts
and I wanted them to stop.
I wanted the chaos to stop.
I used to have this noble concept about death
how death is a part of life, how it gives everything living that essential spark.
because there is an ending, there is also a beginning and everything in between.
because it all ends at some point, we embrace existence.
because time is limited, it makes everything we do with that time all the more special.
because we all expire, new lives are born and the world is ready for them.
but then I had a taste of death.
and everything was gone.
all the arguing, reasoning, and compromising disappeared into thin air
and all I was left with was something very raw. something unrefined.
it didn't make sense.
it wasn't something to make sense of.
you don't compromise with death
you don't comprehend death
and so now I know less than I had known before
with even more uncertainties, anxieties, and darkness