Tuesday, September 28

writing is weird.

it's weird because although writing is a form of expression that allows me to let go,
and allows me to vent a lot of the ugly things inside me
(a part of the ugly dwells interminably, i have no doubt..),
it also creates an ugly -
writing makes and breaks.

so I'm walking through an alley,
I'm climbing the stairs,
I'm having a conversation,
and BOOM!
an unbelievable itch breaks out in my body
and the moment the itch hits, i know what it is : the rant of the day.

it's so unpredictable, so inevitable, and so ingenious
that I have to remember the itch and why it came.
i have to record the topic that came to me, or else, I'm doomed for all eternity.
honestly.
if i don't get it when it was given,
if i just let it go like an irresponsible idiot,
i'll know i let it slip.
and i'll remember with horror that i gave up on the chance to spill my heart out
on something worth spilling one's heart out.
i think that's a grammatical glitch just there.
and that's when I thought of David:
"That shit don't mean fuck to me"
- David Sedaris

looking for the best magazine articles

i've been at it like an addict.
i've been trying to hunt down the best magazine articles available on the internet
and i've been trying to do this by searching lists.
lists -
lists with names like "Top 25 magazine articles of the decade", "The best magazine articles ever",
and so on and so forth.

it was ugly.
it was aggravating, frustrating, annoyingly time-consuming.
and it all boiled down to this :
I DIDN'T GET WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR.

after god knows how many columns, essays, and specials
of god knows how many journals, weeklies, and monthlies,
in god knows how many 'best', 'top', and 'greatest' lists,
i was futile.
JEEEEEEEEEEEEZZZZUS
i was angry - very very angry.
i didn't like this.

but then i did.
i thought about the situation, and was relieved.
i was relieved,
because what I yearned for wasn't something compiled in a common list.
it wasn't something so easy to find
which means I'm looking for something extraordinary, something magnificent
which means I've got high standards,
which means I am not mediocre.

and when I find something satisfying, something that can quench this thirst,
I will hold it up in the air
and it will be a jem.
it will be a beautiful thing,
something so much more than a mere line on some cheap list.


Monday, September 27

today

i ate for breakfast
rice, milk, a cookie, and tea

i ate for lunch
rice with kimchi & tuna

i ate for dinner
2/3 of a bottle of yogurt

and somewhere in between the three meals,
i had 1/3 of a bagel
oh and some coffee.

i spent 4,000W for lunch; 3,500W for dinner; 2,000W for coffee; 600W for printing;
and 600W+daily commuting toll for transportation.



i need to cut back on a lot of things

Sunday, September 26

외모

1
아까인터넷에서유명인사들젊은시절사진을봤어
유명해지기전에찍힌모습이었는데
드럽게못생겼더라고ㅇ
전혀celebrity같지도않고,
아니그니까평범한것도아니고진짜이상하게생겼어
이해해?
근데말이야
중요한건이거야!
능력있는사람은멋있어보인다는거지.
우와
신난다
그니까나도멋있는사람이될수있는거야
그니까나도미친능력을갖춰서마구휘두르면
지나가는사람마다'우와정말멋있는사람이다.딱능력있게생겼다'라는말을듣겠어



2
외모는중요해
ㅇ맞아
못생기면안되
능력있어도생긴게매력없으면다소용없어.
다소용없다고!!!
존경받는기업에서고위직을차지하고몇십억씩하는연봉을받으며권력이넘쳐나서
오늘은신라호텔에서자야지하며선물받은딱봐도'나비싸'하는차몰고로비에기사가내려줬는데
존나못생겨봐
그게뭐냐고.
그림깨잖아
다시돌아가서,찌이이이이이이이이이익!
미친비싼차타고신라호텔앞에섰어.
벨보이가뒷문을열어주는데
나오는사람이겁나멋있고딱봐도능력있는사람이야.
로비지나가는사람들이한번씩존경의눈으로쳐다봐.
그게성공이지, 안그래?



3
존경하는사람이생겼어
능력,매력,권력,즉모든걸갖춘사람이야
미친멋있어





Christine Lagarde.

킁킁거리지마

아오옆에사람이앉았는데
킁킁거리는사람이야
짜증나미칠거같잖아
가버리라고!
다같이킁킁거리는곳으로가버리라고
가버려가버려

Friday, September 24

머리에서떠나질않아

얼른돈을모아야되
500, 아니 1000만원을얼른벌어서보증금을마련하는거야!와와와와
미친기대되네
그렇게온전히나만의공간이생기면얼마나좋을까
미친!!!
완전좋겠다.

중고딩기말끝나갈쯤에전단지를다닥다닥붙일거야


from the archives

"I always get breakfast out."
very nice.
멋있다끌린다
뭔진모르겠지만나는되고싶은사람의형상이있다
성격이라든지표정,손짓,몸짓,미묘한습관들.idiosyncrasies.
되고싶은내가있다
가끔은건방지고 more often than not, shallow stuff.

내인생이아래의것들로이루어졌으면좋겠다.
콜라
호텔
버스
비행
순간
임시
충동
행동
역동
무모
불능
성공
실패
눈물
구토
지폐
새벽
어둠
음악


2
and so I have a plan.
a plan for everyday - just magnificent, no?
I will get up at 5
do my hair, get into running clothes, step outside
and run.
I shall exercise for 50 minutes,
50 minutes of fast walking & jogging.
come in panting for breath, take a cold shower, drink a cup of water,
apply lotion to my body, dry my hair, change into presentable clothes
and leave.
I shall take the bus for Seoul just before 7
arriving at a place to eat breakfast at no later than half past 7


3
동원아안녕,
내가 얼마전에(돈이모자르니까)3개월무이자할부로노트북을샀어. 그래도그나마마음이편할때가뭐라도쫌쓸때더라고.. 손으로쓰는건너무느려서아무도모르는나만의블로그에마구글을쓰고있어. 물론집컴퓨터로해도되겠지만난왜그렇게집이싫은지모르겠어! 어제니랑전화통화하면서학교가는중이라고했잖아? 아직안들어갔엌 암튼지금상태가안좋아서글이두서없는데너에게매우긴편지를쓰겠어!

음그럼무슨얘기로시작할까? 진부하게내성장과정어때? 싫다고고개를젓고있어도소용없어.

일단나는서울에서태어났대. 내가첫째라엄마아빠의사랑을독차지했었지. 아빠가사진찍는걸좋아해서앨범이몇개있는데장난아니야. 막별거안하고누워서말똥말똥있는데도마구사진을찍어댔나봐. 전혀다를게없는0.1초마다찍힌사진들이아주즐비해. 물론이런엄마아빠의노의영사랑은지극히주관적이었어. 못생긴애기라밖에데리고나가서자랑하면사람들이별말없었대. 반면에내연년생남동생은완전예뻤어ㅇㅇㅇ그래서모두의귀여움을받았지.

나는호기심이많았어. (당연히애니까그랬겠지누구는안그러냐고나는이런걸로자기애자랑하는거진짜미친싫어해)그래서동생이라는,누워만있는애기를신기해했어. 걔가누워있으면나는바짝달라붙어서뚫어져라관찰하다가찰싹!!동생을때렸대. 그럼걔가울더라. 또언제는거실이랑베란다사이의창문으로동생을밀쳤더니유리가깨졌대. 그래도울더라. 암튼나를나쁜놈으로생각하지마. 다기억이나지않는일들이거든ㅋ

초롱초롱해서뭔가해버릴것만같은눈빛알아? 내가그랬었어. 엄마아빠는수시에불안에떨며살았지. 하도힘이넘쳐나서잠깐뒤돌면어디로뛰쳐나가버리고나못나가게하려고신발을숨겨놓으면아빠구두신고달아나고주말만되면'가야!!!'(가자)를외치며산에가자고우겼어. 시골가서어른들이밭일돕고있으면나도막대기하나주워서'바쁘다바빠'를연발하며여기저기를휘젓고다녔어. 난어렸을때어른들이피곤해하는게이해가안갔어. 왜피곤하지? 그냥일어나서놀면되는데? 막힘이솟구쳐서어쩔줄몰랐어.

그러다가5살이되어서피아노학원을다녔어. 선생님이엄하고싸가지없어서매일같이학원에들어서자마자울었어. 또엄마는어렸을때조금배우다가그만둔게너무나도후회되서나만큼은피아노를확실히배우도록하고싶어했어. 그래서나는학원에선울고집에서는맞으면서피아노를잘도배웠지. 일곱살쯤에대회나가서높은상도받고그랬어. 나이도가장어리고키도작은내차례가돼서질질글리는치마입고졸졸졸나가니까관계자가의자높이를조정해줬어. 발이허공에달랑달랑매달린채로멋지게연주를해버렸지.

중학교랑고1때까지만해도미국시절이완전생생했는데요즘은내가정말그렇게살았었나할정도로어색한추억이야. 왜그런지모르겠음.

난생일이빨라서7살때초등학교에입학했어. 1학년1학기를마치고미국을갔어. 뭐유학그런건아니고아빠가박사학위를받으러,그니까아빠공부때문에온가족이간거야. 엄마아빠가설명을제대로안해준건지내가이해를그지같이한건지나는사실미국에살러가는줄몰랐어. 그냥또이사하나보다싶었는데도착해보니미국이더라. 우리가도착한날은추적추적비가내리는날이었어. 날씨가구렸어. 하늘도어둡고바람은거칠고자동차는너무비좁았어.


4
The above written and saved on
July 31, July 31,(not a typo) July 20
respectively

Saturday, September 18

focus

sometimes I'm so focused, so absurdly concentrated,
(more often than not because of caffein overdose)
that I focus on my being focused,
which is a weird thing, you know?

and it's completely pointless because you're not going anywhere by
concentrating on the fact that you're concentrating.

아오

4800자진짜하기싫네...

볼때마다드는생각인데

담배피는여자들은 참멋있게피는것같아

드디어쓰게됐다

1
강한자가 살아남는 게 아니라 살아남는자가 강한거래
강한 여자가 아름다운게 아니라 아름다운 여자가 강한거래
현란한색상의 미끼로 색이바랜것처럼하얀 알비노고래를
그니까 가짜로진짜를
낚는 세상이래!
몰라암튼사람들이말을많이하더라고
자꾸자꾸말을하더라
말은많이하면실수하는데말이지.



2
어제는힘든날이었어
별로즐겁지않은고난의연속이었어
난신발을사고싶었을뿐인데!
그래서돈도있고몇사이즈의,어느회사제품인지 다 알고갔는데!
4군데나없다는거야제길
제에에에에길
짜증났어
사자마자갈아신을라고양말도챙겨왔는데말이야
제길.



3
신발집에가는길에(그때까지야모두헛된수고가될줄은몰랐지)
평소와는다른길을택했어
갑자기다른길을걷고싶어서머리를좀썼지.
근데미친, 도저히어디로이어지는길인지를모르겠는거야!
분명히원래길대로는 쭉가다가우회전이니까
우회전먼저하고쭉가면나타날텐데제길, 안나타나는거야!
나는정말이지심각한혼란에빠졌어
평생살면서그렇게무섭도록혼란스러운상태는처음이었어
머리가붕뜨면서나는대체어디에서있는지,어딜가고있는지,옆에는뭐가있는지
전혀!!전혀모르겠는거야
완전한무지의상태였지.ㅇㅇㅇ
갑자기oliver Sacks가생각나고
그의환자들이생각나고,특히그들중mariner이생각나고
걔처럼기억을상실하고시간을상실하고나자신을상실하는게아닌가
라는소름끼치는생각들이머리를스쳐지나갔어
그리고난멍!!!하니횡단보도앞에서멈췄어
다행인게빨간불이었거든
그래서난정상적인사람들에파묻혀서
마치나도그들의일원인양,마치나도계획대로퇴근하고있고친구를만나러가고있는데
빨간불이라잠시두발을모은양
무리속에서가만히있었어
근데갑자기그빨간불이파란불로바뀌는거야.제길
그래서그무리가갑자기경고도없이움직이는거야
빨간불을이기리라는도전적눈빛
그에응답하는확신에찬발걸음.
오오오오
나도함께할수밖에없었어
데굴데굴데굴


4
아그래서
내가그렇게힘들게정체성의혼란을겪으면서까지 명동에갔는데
두군데다내가필요한신발이없는거야
그래서종로그리고강남까지갔는데제길다들없는거야!
결국집에가는버스를탔는데또차가밀려서완전기어갔지버스가.
마구드는생각이나는방금뭘한것인가, 4~5시간을진빠지게돌아다녀서얻은건무엇인가
한심하다.
근데또드는생각이안철수가한말이었어
'저는효율성으로따지면실패자죠. 그러나효율적인게중요한건아닌것같아요'
와비슷한맥락의말이었어
비효율적으로사는것도문제가되지않고오히려그렇게하면서자신을알아가야한대나
암튼그렇다고!
난앞으로도비효율적으로살거야
맨날상식에의존하면안좋은거같아
기대,전통,개념을 마구깨면서살아야지



Saturday, September 11

시각장애인을위한부호

그거있잖아, 지하철에.
아님공공시설이나학교곳곳에.
시각장애인을위해'화장실','상행','출구'라고 표시해논 오돌토돌
오오오도오오올토오오우돌ㄹ
점.
난그거볼때마다미칠것같애
미친
어떤개념없는사람들이그렇게하자고했을까
무슨생각으로말이야ㅇ????
무슨생각으로
시각장애인들이온허공을더듬더듬거리다 팍!!!!하고
정확히그부호를매만질거라는상상을한거지
진심
난그부호를볼때마다답답해미칠것같아
슬퍼져.



Tuesday, September 7

resilience

I,
I will write again.
never again,
will I quit.


I sat through a lecture today - a lecture on death.
The professor urged the students to talk to speak up but nobody did.
I wanted to.
had quite a bit to say.
in fact my head was buzzing with tangled thoughts
and I wanted them to stop.
I wanted the chaos to stop.

I used to have this noble concept about death
how death is a part of life, how it gives everything living that essential spark.
because there is an ending, there is also a beginning and everything in between.
because it all ends at some point, we embrace existence.
because time is limited, it makes everything we do with that time all the more special.
because we all expire, new lives are born and the world is ready for them.
but then I had a taste of death.
and everything was gone.
all the arguing, reasoning, and compromising disappeared into thin air
and all I was left with was something very raw. something unrefined.
it didn't make sense.
it wasn't something to make sense of.
you don't compromise with death
you don't comprehend death

and so now I know less than I had known before
with even more uncertainties, anxieties, and darkness