Tuesday, September 7
I will write again.
will I quit.
I sat through a lecture today - a lecture on death.
The professor urged the students to talk to speak up but nobody did.
I wanted to.
had quite a bit to say.
in fact my head was buzzing with tangled thoughts
and I wanted them to stop.
I wanted the chaos to stop.
I used to have this noble concept about death
how death is a part of life, how it gives everything living that essential spark.
because there is an ending, there is also a beginning and everything in between.
because it all ends at some point, we embrace existence.
because time is limited, it makes everything we do with that time all the more special.
because we all expire, new lives are born and the world is ready for them.
but then I had a taste of death.
and everything was gone.
all the arguing, reasoning, and compromising disappeared into thin air
and all I was left with was something very raw. something unrefined.
it didn't make sense.
it wasn't something to make sense of.
you don't compromise with death
you don't comprehend death
and so now I know less than I had known before
with even more uncertainties, anxieties, and darkness