Saturday, July 17

2010.03.22 09:38
ㅎ...........................
..............................
뭐야
왜케기분이
그지같지..
어설프고
우울하고
지루하고
힘들고.
ㅎ어이없군
2010.04.08 00:34

퍼즐퍼즐퍼즐

it's about obsession;

perseverance;

letting go.

2010.04.15 00:05

아오

오늘 암벽등반 너무 무리한듯???

오랜만이라 신나게 했더니

팔꿈치부터 허리까지

온몸이쑤셔

2010.04.23 21:20

요새날씨 너무해..

바람 너무 불어서 발피부 안좋아지고있음

그래도 슬리퍼는 포기할 수 없어ㅓㅓㅓㅓㅓㅓㅓ

2010.05.28 23:31

방금집에도착했다

얼마만에이렇게일찍들어오는건지모르겠다고

엄마가칭찬해줬다

오늘너무피곤하고추워서나도모르게와버렸다

화난다

내일부턴다시최선을다해야겠다

오늘뛰쳐나와서2시간동안6호선만타다가

너무피곤해서골아떨어지다가

너무추워서자꾸자꾸깨다가

4호선으로환승하려는데

발이아파잘못걷다가

겨우서울역도착하고

간신히버스올라타고

가까스로집에내리고

두발을질질끌다보니

집이었다.집.집.집.집.집

다신안할거야

내맘대로할거야

2010.05.30 22:48

이렇게몸이힘든일주일도처음이지만계속할거야

멀쩡한정신으로집에못들어오겠어

조용히침착하게못앉아있겠어

밖에서최대한버티다가

정신이혼미해질때

들어와야지

언제끝나..점점한계에다다르는듯

2010.06.04 (2010.06.05 00:00)

야왜자꾸실망시켜..

옛날같았으면좋겠는데

2010.06.05 00:09

악 너무일찍들어왔어

이러면안된대니까..

뭔가를해버려야겠다

끔찍한주말이다가오고있어

어쩌지??

시간은혼자서잘도가네.

망할

2010.06.05 11:37

슬픈노래가많아

2010.06.05 11:48

항상은아니지만가끔

벽을보면때리고싶고

꽃을보면밟고만싶고

앉아있으면뛰쳐나가고싶고그래

문이닫혀있으면발로쳐부수고싶고

내게무궁무진한미래가있단말들으면

시간낭비노력낭비힘낭비돈낭비하고싶고

그냥그래.

가끔.

헛소리가제일싫어

글자수채우려고빈말하는거듣고있으면진심미쳐버릴거같애

그게정확히무슨말이냐고물어볼때

글쎄그냥하는말이야라고대답할때

정신차리라고다신그딴의미없는말하지말라고쥐어박고싶어

2010.06.05 11:50

탄산

타타타타타타탄산

좋아

가끔너무필요해

없으면미칠거같고

마시면모든게좋아져

타타타타타탄산탄산

2010.06.05 22:06

너무..한심한가?

괜히힘든척하나?

원래다그런데나혼자정색하나

걔말대로별거아닌데나혼자이러나

너무생각할시간이많나

나도몰라

울거같애

책상엎고

종이찢고

소리지르고

박차고나가고싶어

그냥계속달릴까?

지난6년처럼그냥달릴까?

오직머리를스치는바람만느끼고

모든감정,생각을버리고그냥냅다달릴까?

그거야?

그게답이야?

하려는말이이거야?

왜나한테만그래

피해의식이아니고,

어떻게남들은이러지않냐고

어떻게그럴수가있냐고

이렇게나약해서민망해

얘기?그런거하기싫어

내가혼자해결해서,

아무렇지않은표정으로바라보고싶어

힘든데말할수가없어

내가뭐가되는데.

대학멀쩡히가고

찢어지게가난한것도아닌

난뭐가되는데.

내가할수있는말이뭔데.

민망해서얘기를못하겠어

돌아오는표정은'그게다야?', '그래서?'

내가어떻게느껴야할지모르겠어

정상인지모르겠어

아니,정상은아닌거같아

근데정상이아닌게정상일수있잖아

토하고싶어

2010.06.06 14:29

없을수록주기쉽잖아

no strings attatched,

you just give and give,

and that's why adolescence is so precious.

you don't know where to stop.

everything's an experiment

and at the receiving end, it feels so special.

i want to go back.

frustration.

moderation.

complications.

i'm sick of it all.

take me back.

it'll all be over soon, yeah?

2010.06.07 08:30

curling up in a ball under the shower,

it feels so damn good, so damn relieving

2010.06.08 19:47

shit

2010.06.08 19:57

돌이라도던져야지어쩌겠어

2010.06.08 20:11

더워,

더워더워.

얼른떠나야지.

얼른시험다치고

가방싸고가야지

덥고지쳐

지쳐지쳐

못견디겠다.

벗어날거야.

어디로갈까

더우니까더더운곳으로가야겠다

남쪽으로날아가야겠지

그랭그랭그랭

그래야겠다

짐 :

옷,세면도구,렌즈,모나미,돈,책

마지막두개가제일중요해

돈다떨어질때까지버티다와야지

돈이자꾸생기면어쩌지

긴장된다

2010.06.08 21:44

속쓰려!

2010.06.09 16:16

can't let the curtain go down on me

내가먼저퇴장할거야

근데아직까지너무집착하는게많아.

하나하나씩내마음에서잘라버려야지

2010.06.09 16:47

방학이다가오고있어어쩌지

2010.06.10 19:21

어제서현역에서밤새면서무려8천원짜리커피를마셔봤어

리필된다길래자꾸마셨어

5잔이목표였는데그렇게까진못마셨어..

속쓰려.

몸이별로안좋아

아침에집에들려옷갈아입을라고버스기다리는데

진짜너무추웠어

2010.06.11 07:55

눈이자꾸부어.그것도오른쪽만!

맘에안들어

2010.06.11 07:34

오랜만에꿈꿨어어어어

매우감각적인꿈이었던거같애

음악도들렸고

손으로만졌고

표정도있었고

뭘먹기도했어

그중마지막꿈은 내가엄청촉망받는ㅋ과학자였다는거야

내주위에언제나어른들이많았는데

바글거리는무리중간에서난멍때리며걸어갔어

최고의기술로엄청난!

쿠키..ㅎ를만들었어

맛없게생긴쿠키였지만

매우혁신적이었어

세계가놀랐지

모두가날칭찬해줬어

그러다가언제 나랑세계적으로유명한한학자

둘이서만있게되었어

그가쿠키를몇차례맛보면서 하는말은,

사실그건 최고의기술로만들었다는점을제외하고는

전혀의미가없는 쿠키라는거지.

말하는그도,듣고있는나도,

그의객관적인관찰을 덤덤히받아들였어

마치원래부터둘다알고있는사실이였다는기분도들었어

암튼그래

그냥안써놓으면꿈은두번다시돌아오지않으니까,

그날만지나면마치없었던일처럼되어버려서 억울하니까

이상한꿈이지만써봤어어어어

2010.06.12 (2010.06.13 00:03)

싫어!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

안해

맘에안들면박차고나갈거야

이상한얘기하면귀틀어막고

계획이싫어지면떠날거라고

ㅎ언제끝나??

많은사람들이착각하는듯

자꾸만오해하는듯

싫어

난이만.

나가야지

2010.06.13 01:04

기침이너무오래가는데?!!

갈수록나아지기는커녕

기침할때마다힘들어죽겠어

온몸이긴장되고..이런적처음인데신기함ㅎ

코가살짝막히는거빼고

감기증상하나도안나타나고

그냥기침만드럽게많이해

사실도서관같이조용한곳에있을때 민폐끼치는거말곤

기침이싫지는않아

그냥별로신경안쓰여

아프다는생각도안들고.

엄마만쫌귀찮게안했으면좋겠네

2010.06.15 21:39

깔끔한게좋은데.

뭘시작해도 확 일을벌여버리고

끝낼때가되면 매정하게 버리고

두번다시뒤돌아보지않도록,후회할틈없도록

새로시작한일에 미처버리는게좋은데.

사실난그렇게안하면기억이안나

그렇게극단적으로행동을하지않으면느낌이없고

나중에뭐가남았나생각해보면그냥,

없어.

뭘하려면확실해야되

제대로,당장해야되

코끼리는전생을기억한대!

그래서맨날눌물을흘린대!

그래도난코끼리는아닌데.ㅋ

2010.06.15 21:47

처칠은 돼지를 사랑했어

아니그런사랑말고그냥좋아했다고

왜냐면왜냐면

개는복종만하고

고양이는거만한데

돼지는돼지는인간을평등하게바라보거든

개는인간을올려다보고

고양이는우리를내려다보고

돼지는그래돼지만똑바로쳐다봐줘

2010.06.15 21:58

"Don't be so humble; you are not that great"

2010.06.16 17:48

불안해 매순간이

so it goes.

when i think about it,

when i think really hard,

there is no choice.

we just follow what feels right.

이이이이이이런

그거알아?올해는동물이유행이래

who decides this stuff??

대체어떻게아는거지

고민하다가악어귀걸이샀어

2010.06.17 20:15

왜이렇게하기싫을까

혼자망하고있어

포기도적당히해야지

아짜증나호기생각나

걔랑정인곤땜에인생망했어

힘들어

가끔생각나서소리질러

근데왜나만이래

난떠나기가싫은데

망하고싶지않은데

제대로하고싶은데

어쩌지

파멸의길로내닫고있다는생각이드네네네

자꾸안좋은걸하고싶어져!

제주도에서못돌아오면ㅋ어쩌지

내일은아무도안만나야지

다들2학기때봐

우리방학때못만나

2010.06.19 12:56

아눈완전부었어..속쓰리고..

네시간후면 제주도행 비행기를 타고있겠다

이런상태로가고싶지않은데ㅎ

암튼얼른짐챙기고뭘좀사고떠나야겠다

안녕안녕

쫌있다봐

2010.06.24 13:32

자리를오래비운것도아니지만

it's good to be back

비행기가붕뜨며이륙하는순간

희열을느끼는건나뿐인가??ㅋ

너무좋아

제주도에서지낸짧은기간은뒤돌아보지도계산을하지도않고진행형에

충실했던몇일이었다극단적으로충동적으로선택을하고본능을믿었다

두번생각하지않고따지지도묻지도않았다버스는걍오는거탔다. I wa

s reckless 무책임하고비효율적이고질서는무시했다잘해낸것같다

고생을사서했다지름길은기억해두고피했다모두추억에남는다그치만

후회하지않도록열심히쏘아다녔기때문에집으로돌아온다고끝난다고

막미치도록아쉽지는않았다다끝날때임을인정할수있었다좋은추억이

라고놓아줄수있었다기분이괜찮다비행기가이륙할때는희열을느꼈다

2010.06.25 10:09

passion,

conviction,

anticipation.

don't look back

be best at what you do

do it right

do it justice

wander but wander with conviction,

absolutely sure that you're going the wrong way.

do something, anything -

don't just stand there

2010.06.26 23:08

lost

low

alone

despair

resurrection

passion

conviction

broken hearts

rolling heads

anticipation

decadence

cowardly

detached

desperate

comfortable

content

comprimising

it needs to be dramatic

utterly dark at certain days, luminous at appropriate moments.

moods should swing

nothing should come with warning

unpredictable, inefficient, reckless.

i'll be there

i won't run

i'll be sure to stand witness, and live to tell the story.

2010.06.26 23:14

공들여쌓아놨는데

무너지는건0.3초.

포기하고싶다

허탈해

2010.06.28 03:53

눈썹을못피겠어

자꾸찌푸리게되

평소엔모르면서

갑자기의식하면

그렇게슬플수가.

그렇게

그렇게

그렇게

어떻게

2010.06.28 04:04

갖고싶은게너무많아

뭐가부족하길래그렇게많을까

분리가능성에대한레포트땜에고민이야

the idea-expression dichotomy.

부족한거랑사고싶은거,가고싶은곳은분리됬다는생각이자꾸들어

내가정말필요한건따로있는듯

근데못찾겠잖아

이렇게노력하는데모르겠잖아

침대에하루종일누워있어도

거실에오후내내앉아있어도

학교에밤을새며시간때워도

밖에서끝도없이돌아다녀도

아진짜모르겠잖아

아오

겠어

모르겠어

ㅇ?

모르겠다고

2010.06.28 04:18

let it die

let me see it for what it is

is it really all that sad?

the ending?

everything perishes?

really?

it's just hard to tell.

who cares.

who knows.

everything's up for grabs.

2010.06.28 04:22

losing my mind

and really, honestly, not feeling so bad.

guilt.

is what it is.

so hit me

let it die.

i'm alright

you just see-

stand witness to this fucking catastrophe,

if so much as that.

relief?

damage control?

sanity?

common sense?

it really is up for grabs.

everything's lost

i don't know what's more sad

the ending or the start.

i guess standing in between the two is the saddest part.

2010.06.28 04:28

goddamit

i want everybody to know

i want people to acknowlege, to fucking look, not gape.

i want to be the news, not the damn circus show.

2010.06.28 06:40

want a reason to be so messed up

i'll forever be searching for a fault in the makings,

a tragic and defining fissure in myself

it'll be something completely out of hand -

something that was destined to be.

the break designed into my being.

i would've been condemned to doom from the very start,

my past inevitably, steadily, building towards this significant fall.

it's all very fancy.

all very nice.

shit it's too loud

everything's noise

i feel,

i feel there's a limit on my patience.

i feel there's a limit, you know?

but nobody knows.

don't pretend

it'll only last so long

just get it over with.

can't sleep

can't get shit done

can't even sleep.

can't laugh, can't choke up, can't spell.

can't put an end to this extravagance of despair.

i hate the show.

2010.06.28 06:44

i'm in a haze when there's work to do

i'm wide awake when i need some rest

what am i doing?

but i'm not doing anything.

it's not me

i'm not doing shit

but that's exactly it!

i'm not doing anything.

i should go now.

i really shouldn't just stand here, lamenting to whoever's listening.

but what

what should i do?

it's all very sad

all very pathetic

i won't show this to anybody

i'll keep it disclosed.

2010.06.28 16:55

it seems the more i try to save myself, the deeper i sink.

it's a slow death

i'm standing on quicksand

i should just stand still,

atleast make it a slow demise.

i get so lonely, you know?

but maybe its better to keep to myself

2010.06.28 17:10

아오짜증나화나,피곤해

덥고습한것도싫고

에어컨도싫고

복잡한것도,기다리는것도싫어

그냥다아ㅏㅏㅏㅏㅏㅏㅏㅏㅏ싫어

이렇게인터넷에짜증내는것도싫고

그렇다고모든게괜찮다는듯조용히,가만히있는것도싫어

그럼난어떻게해야할까

포도가29알이야

어제비공개폴더에다이어리한10개는쓴듯

분노의다이어리였지

차마공개할수없었어

그러고보니이것도거의 분노에 다가가니

이만줄여야지

2010.06.28 17:13

아그리고난 어제 오후2시에일어난 이후로 잠을 한숨도 안잤어

못잤어

27시간째야!

신기하다

완전건강하지못하다는느낌이들면서 눈이초롱초롱

이런건기록을해둬야되

2010.06.28 20:18

오늘은진짜미치기직전까지

잠을안자봐야지

2010.06.28 22:32

32시간째

2010.06.28 22:40

위험해!

다시모든게안좋아지고있잖아

이이이이이이이런

안되는데

2010.06.30 13:21

아빠가 그러면육체적으로 힘든걸해보래

그래서 곰곰히생각해봤는데 그럴듯한거같아

해봐야지

2010.07.02 12:47

한40만원모일때마다 호텔하나정해서 이틀묵어야겠어

this is fiiiiiiine

i feel fiiiiiiiine

it's all good; i'm on valium; i'm in a hotel, all alone.

i've got it made - cigarettes, tea, bread, jam, junk food, lights.

2010.07.02 12:45

i'm at peace, i guess

money is good

what one can get, see, and feel with money is even better

i intend to use money properly.

i intend to feel it up

i intend to waste it all,

waste in fashion

i intend to fall in style.

smoking is surprisingly natural and unstimulating.

when i start spending, i'm on a roll

2010.07.03 02:32

아진짜로보니까쫌그렇다좀그래어어ㅇ?마음속으론몇번이나연습을

했지만실전은언제나힘들어언제나그랬잖아왜이제와서바뀌겠어ㅇ?

낙인이라는게있대정말무서운논리정말소름끼치는사실인거같은데

막갑자기슬퍼져추억은바뀐대알아?지가기억하고싶은대로기억한대

그럼내가나중에지금을떠올리면아름다운청춘으로기억될까제발안

그랬으면좋겠다하나도낭만적이지도야심차지도않아그냥보이는그

대로야그냥보이는그대로뭐하나없어한심하기만해오른손에든멍이

낫질않아몇달째안나아그치만괜찮아!괜찮아상관없어죽을때오른손

에멍을들고누워도되아무도모를거야내가말을안하면전혀모를거야

그찮아그정도의상처는혼자조용히앓아도될것같아가끔은말하면서

동시에이말은하지말걸이라고후회가되그니까생각좀하고말하자고

침착해지자조용해지자무관심해지고무뎌졌으면좋겠다무엇보다도

내가뭘하든지잘했으면좋겠다그냥잘했어칭찬받을정도로말고!그냥

무난하게말고보는사람입이떡벌어지게미칠정도로능력있게말이야

무난해서어쩔껀대보통만해서중간만가서대체뭘할건대쫌제대로해

보자고ㅇ?난커서과도한차를몰거야빨간불이파란불로바뀌었는데도

가만히있을때뒤에서감히빵빵거릴수없을정도의차를몰거야신난다

그랭그럼참기분이괜찮을것같아아아아오ㅗㅗㅗㅗㅗㅗㅗㅗㅗㅗㅗ

집에들어가기싫다그렇다면어디로갈까어디로가면쫌차분해질까ㅇ?

아피곤해마음에안들어전혀맘에들지않아그만찾고그만노력해보고

그냥무난하게가만히있을까봐그냥평범하게집에서조용히있을까봐

어떻게생각해?지금영어로써야될게있는데영어는뛰어쓰기를해야되

그치만정말중요한건지금뛰어쓰기를할때가아니라는거야지금은뛰

어쓰기따위에신경쓸상황이아니야물론조금만신경써서올바른뛰어

쓰기와구두점을활용한다면모두에게쉬워지겠지만전혀상관없어ㅇ?

정말중요한건흐름이고빈틈이없는거야가끔그렇잖아,귀찮은거지만

조금만신경쓰면정말많이편해질상황인데도도저히양심이허용하지

않을때!그니까중요히여기지않는게정말중요할때!뭔말인지알겠어?

나만장애인이야지금?ㅇ사실그럴수도있겠다그럼조금은슬퍼지는데!

아무튼나는가끔아니아니자주그래ㅇ아무리중요한거고아무리쉽게

할수있는거라도곰곰히생각해봤을때나랑일치하지않는가치란결론

에이르게되면가차없이버려이건사실내가입시때결심한거야내가그

미친짓을하면서두가지를결심했어하나는확실한능력을소유하는거

그니까확실하게차별화될정도로뭘잘해서야비한짓안하고당당하게

인정을받는거그리고더중요한두번째는나한테의미없는건절대하지

않을거라는결심이야고등학교때가장토나오는게'혹시모르니까'라며

이것저것쓸데없는짓하는거였어이제두번다신안할거야진짜토나와

그렇게조금씩정신이분산되다가나중에는정말중요한게뭐였는지잊

어버릴게분명해그래서뭐많이싸들고다니는것도싫어짐많은게싫어

정말가지고다녀야할게뭔지자꾸까먹잖아ㅇ?

2010.07.04 12:26

"Some people get it because of a flip of a coin;

some because they're the son of the company owner.

It's not how you get it that matters. It's what you do with it."

2010.07.06 11:37

음악음악mmmmmmmmmmAK

음악이들리지않는사람

그리고또춤을추는사람

how the dancer seems mad to those who can't hear the music

how everybody dances to her own great symphony

and how it's all the more difficult to understand another's rhythm

because all you hear beating is your own.

어제'The Pearl'을읽었는데배경음악이있는책은처음이야

순간마다상황마다배경음악이있대저마다의음악이있어서

모두의머릿속엔각자의노래가반복적으로흐르고있는거야

기분이그지같다가도이어폰꽂고음악을들으면한결나아져

뭐별거아닌듯한걸보다가도또음악들으면서다시쳐다보면

웬지뭔가있는듯.웬지의미심장하고웬지영화속의장면인듯.

음사실할말이없어!

2010.07.06 11:49

he says it's like water overflowing a cup.

the water has been steadily filling the empty space,

and until it actually overflows, it's unnoticeable.

but when I reach the breaking point, the water pours out.

I can't stop it.

I can't assuage it.

I can't control it at all.

It comes as a rush, a surprise attack, really.

and there's nothing i can do about it

but watch the water overflowing the rims of the glass cup,

understanding the whole thing is just utterly uncontrollable.

he says I have to wait till it stops of it's own accord.

2010.07.10 02:48

감동이필요한시점

음악이

일탈이

자극이

필요한시점.

많은게필요하지만다제껴두고정신차릴시점

이지않겠어??

망할!생각하면끝도없겠지만

끝도없이이러면쫌아니지않겠어??

바뀐건없지만내가엎어버릴꺼야

i'll tear it down

nothing's fine

but it's all good

it doesn't always have to make sense, right?

as long as i'm making progress,

as long as i'm getting somewhere.

it doesn't always have to be a destination, right?

as long as i'm putting one foot in front of the other,

as long as i'm arriving at the next stop.

2010.07.10 03:08

이상한꿈을꿨어불쾌한느낌의연속이었어남이내신발을신고있었고

빈비닐봉투속엔내하늘색인공눈물뚜껑이덩그러니있었는데난그걸

보면서드는생각이이런그럼아까가방이불쾌하게젖어있던건..?뭔가

죄다조금씩잘못된삐뚤어진세상이었어삐뚤삐뚤삐걱삐걱!괜찮은듯

싶다가도다시보면다시생각해보면사실어색했어마치어울리는배경

음악이흐르다가레코드가고장나서삐이이이이이이이이이익!!!!!도무

지헤아릴수없는괴상한음의조화가흐르는듯말이야ㅇ?불쾌한꿈이야

어떤책을읽는데작가가좋은얘기를했어뭐냐면소설속주인공이생각

할때는'그는.....라고생각했다'는식으로너무나도깔끔하게정리해서

서술해버린다는거야사실어느누구도그렇게정리정돈된생각을하지

않잖아!생각을하면여러생각이동시에모호하게나잖아그치않아???!

서술자가누구라고주인공을그렇게단순한아메바로반들어버리는데?

정말화나잖아.참고로난생각할때구두법을지키지않아그냥그렇다고

이제돈안쓸거야왜냐면돈이없거든이건슬픈사실이야왜냐면왜냐면

사실모든게돈이거든돈에서자유로워지려면돈이있어야할뿐만아냐

돈이매우많아야되미친요새자꾸돈생각이나돈의노예가된거지매우

불편해막버스타고가다가밖에멋있는차가지나가면그것밖에안보여

아오진짜눈을뗄수없다고!반짝거리는외제차가지나가고앞엔기사가

모시고있고그러면존경스러워정말멋있는것같고내가크면돈을미친

벌어서꼭그렇게다니고싶어전엔한번도이런생각안들었는데요새는

맨날해왜그럴까?이질문은돈생각보다도자주하는생각이야난왜!왜

그럴까?왜혼자망하고있을까왜그럴까?왜혼자이상한데가고집에는

죽어도안들어가고9개월째이러는데왜그럴까?많은게의문이지만다

한심한생각들인거같아그냥닥치고집에들어가고평화로운표정짓고

책이나펼쳐야될것같아어쩔까그렇게하도록할까?그렇게하도록함

노력해볼까?난노력을하지않고있는걸까?이제질문은그만할까ㅇ?

그러니까결론은결론이없다는거야이제슬슬모든걸정리해야된다고

더이상은무리고더이상유지하면난파괴된노의영이되는거야무섭다

ㅇㅇㅇㅇㅇㅇㅇㅇ무서워!난그러지않아야지난후회하고싶지않은데

어떻게이미이그지같은글쓴걸후회하고있어그치만괜찮아!괜찮다고

말이되지않아도논리에이치에맞자않아도괜찮아그냥계속진행해

그냥계속해서나아가그냥그냥하던대로하면된대잖아지금까지잘해

왔대잖아그래서대학도왔대잖아그래서난지금이러잖아^^그러니까

난지금행복한대학생활을하고있잖아아빠가부럽대잖아^^토나와

2010.07.10 03:31

암튼난열심히할거야

이제피곤해

공부하고주변일도하나씩정리해야지

돈도벌도,내가해야될것도하고,계획도세우고

ㅇ그래야지!

엄마이제할께미안미안

2010.07.11 14:43

"I took the little radio from the kitchen

and I went and sat in the spare room

and I tuned it halfway between two stations

so that all I could hear was white noise

and I turned the volume up really loud

and I held it against my ear

and the sound filled my head

and it hurt so that I couldn't feel any other sort of hurt,

like the hurt in my chest"

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